One day last week I was in the building where I work, talking with a colleague as we were going up in the elevator. We stopped short of our destination, the doors opened, there were two men in suits either side of the door. Each of them gestured for the other to go in. There was an uncomfortable silence, then, as if in slow motion, the elevator doors closed without either of them moving. "You go first." "No, you go first..." It serves them both right.

You see, in a situation like this, if someone gestures for you to go in first it can be a mark of respect (more on this later, if I remember), or a power play. How? The gesturer is saying to the gesturee "Look, I'm allowing you to go ahead" and, also, possibly "you look like you need help, whereas I, on the other hand am very capable". I'm quite up to the task of getting into an elevator and I don't need someone to usher me though, so I find this all vaguely insulting. I was first aware of this when I was a starving graduate student in New York and I noticed, with growing irritation, than an Italian friend of mine would always do this. Any doorway, anywhere. He'd get to it, hold it open, smile graciously and motion you through. At first it was charmingly continental, but after a few hours of it it started grating, and it took me quite a while to acknowledge my annoyance (which seemed, and still does, a bit churlish).

I have some young colleagues who try to hold doors open for me, and I quickly educate them. "The rule", I tell them, "is that the person closest to the door goes through first", although I do of course recognise that in doing that it's only good manners to hold the door open behind you as well.

There's an extra twist to this. What if the group contains one or more women, as sometimes happens even my industry (my workplace was once described to my ex by one of the other wives as "a sea of men", which I like to imagine she said in a somewhat breathless way). I've given this some thought so that you don't have to - you'll thank me for this later, I can tell.

If it's a social situation - and especially if any part of it has a date charcteristic - then holding the door for a woman is a pretty safe bet. If it's at work and she's a client then also, holding a door open is a good bet, but that also applies to male clients too, and it's part of the respect and control dual nature of the gesture. It says "you're my guest, I treasure you" and at the same time "I'm in charge, you're on my territory (and by the way can I order you a coffee?)"

But what if it's a female colleague, someone you wouldn't otherwise hold a door open if she was male? I say don't hold the door, and I know most (certainly in my building) would disagree. I think that door-holding sends a message along the lines of "you might think that going to law school and winding up in a high-powered professional role might earn you some respect, but to me you're just a babe in a skirt", but then again I do tend to over-think these sorts of things.

I explained to a female friend the other day (who I did, in fact, open doors for) why it is that men holds doors for women, and generally let women walk in front of them. It's so we can check out their butts. I had thought this was obvious but she was surprised and vaguely titillated. She did give me a very strange look over her shoulder a few times that evening, I expect in an attempt to catch me leering at her behind. But I'm quite a bit smarter than I look (which is just as well).