Charming

I was supposed to be having dinner with a friend, who (rather charmlessly, I thought) texted me this afternoon to say that he is about to move house and he has to stay home tonight and pack. But that I'm still welcome to come over and amuse myself in the corner.

My first reaction was that this was a deliberate slight, and I was angry and upset. But I've calmed down now. I know him pretty well and I just can't see him doing that, so I have to take it on face value. But at the same time, I hate going around to people's houses to chat when it turns out they're doing something. I've described to Peter (my shrink, please do try to keep up) in great detail my primal fear of not being able to hold people's attention, and if the person I'm talking to is busy doing something else I get these downward spirals of self-doubt and panic. Same is true if i'm talking to someone wearing sunglasses, so I have a new policy of just ignoring them.

He (my friend, not Peter) has a piano, so if worst comes to worst I can have a bit of practice. A friend wants to come over to my place on Sunday and go through my wardrobe (!!) and wants to hear me play piano. This terrifies me a little. I think she's under the impression that I play actual songs and 'pieces', but the reality is that I can spend a whole afternoon just playing II-V-I progressions in different keys and it keeps me very happy. And when I'm reasonably fluent and can improvise reasonably well, it only works when noone's listening. I fall apart when I have an audience.